How much thought have you put into the relationships you keep?

My guess is we’re not thinking about it as much as we probably should. 

Relationships matter a lot! I’ll go as far to argue that nothing has a greater influence on determining your outcomes than your relationships.

So, knowing how to choose who we associate with might be the most important skill we can learn.

In this issue, we’ll discuss the significance of relationships in lives, the risk of being careless in this process, and how to navigate it with purpose.

Who Are You Becoming

We’re becoming who our friends are! You’ve likely heard some version of this statement in your lifetime. 

It’s not just semantics, it's the truth, and this is why it’s so important to be careful who we associate with.

There is lots of science that supports this idea that we’re, “becoming who our friends are.” 

Here’s a breakdown of some key concepts we believe every leader could benefit from understanding:

Social Learning Theory: This theory suggests we learn by observing and imitating others. We don't need to experience everything ourselves; we can learn by watching others. Here's where it gets interesting. The activity of mirror neurons is believed to be a key mechanism underlying social learning. When we observe someone doing something, our mirror neurons fire, simulating the action in our own brains. This creates a mental rehearsal that can pave the way for us to imitate the action ourselves. Spending time with friends exposes us to their behaviors, habits, and attitudes. Over time, we may unconsciously adopt some of these traits 

Conformity: We have a natural desire to fit in with the group. When we spend time with friends, we might adjust our behaviors, opinions, or even dress to align with theirs. Studies using fMRI scans show that certain brain regions are activated during conformity tasks. These regions are associated with reward processing, suggesting that conforming to the group might trigger feelings of pleasure or relief from social anxiety. 

Emotional Contagion: Emotions are contagious! If you're surrounded by optimistic friends, you're more likely to feel positive yourself. Conversely, being around negative people can bring you down. The exact amount of time needed for emotional contagion is debatable. Some studies suggest it can happen within milliseconds of encountering an emotional expression. The reality is like with all things there is a dose-response effect. Factors like frequency, intensity, and closeness of the relationship matter.  

Choosing Friends Wisely

We tend to choose friends who are similar to us. There are a lot of psychological factors that contribute to this, but in my opinion, the main reason for this is because it’s easier.

Humans are complex social creatures, according to Thich Nhat Hanh, “every person is a world to explore.” So, it’s no wonder our survivalist brains try to spare us the excessive caloric expense by encouraging us to find people similar to ourselves and fill in the gaps with a lot of assumptions.

More times than not this process leads us to false assumptions. The biggest of which is assuming similar people operate like us.

We’re not even saying the goal is to surround ourselves with people that operate like us, we’re saying don’t assume they do.

The real question we’re getting at is your process for choosing friends. Do you even have one?

The most effective leaders we know have a clear sense of the purpose for the relationships they’re in. This empowers everyone involved to have clear expectations for those relationships. 

Infusing purpose into any process always brings clarity.

What’s the purpose of the relationships you’re in? 

• To keep you moving in the same direction or to get you moving in the opposite direction? 

• To help you lock in your focus or to encourage curiosity?

• To hold you accountable or to make you comfortable?

• To challenge your beliefs or further your convictions?

• To build a lifetime bond or fill a seasonal void?

The Relationship Factor 

Surrounding yourself with people who encourage healthy individuality while also providing positive social influence is an award winning recipe for personal growth.

This is why we must prioritize, nurture, invest in, and fight for the relationships that matter most.

To make room for this we must also move on from the counter-productive relationships in our lives. 

Our relationships are too important to leave to chance. 

As leaders we must commit to the process of developing the skills and understanding necessary to navigate the complexities of social interactions.

By acknowledging what’s at stake, understanding our psychological tendencies, we can make conscious choices about who we spend time with and create a social circle that fosters personal growth and well-being.