There isn’t an established leader in the world who has not experienced conflict. It doesn’t matter if you are leading a Fortune 500 organization, or a local middle school athletic team. Conflict is embedded in the space of leadership. There are so many fulfilling experiences in the leadership journey.
There is nothing quite like the culmination of a group of people coming together to achieve a collective goal.
It is so exciting for a leader to inspire, and create a cohesive culture.
The feeling of making the right decision and helping an organization navigate an uncertain future can be exhilarating for a leader.
But all of these experiences are often fulfilling only in hindsight. The reality is most of the joyous experiences of a leader are only revealed when reflecting back. Our memories remind us of the great outcomes of the teams led in the past, experiences that turned out positive. But, if we think long enough in retrospect most of the highlight moments were riddled with conflict and often consternation.
Some personalities are wired for conflict. Some leaders come alive in this realm. They can tie it up at the drop of hat and then go watch a movie. But, for other leaders conflict is excruciating. For a variety of reasons, conflict can have such a draining effect on a leader’s spirit.
If a leader is going to lead a group of people together to achieve a goal - they will have to face conflict. Some team members won’t perform at a level needed for real progress towards the goal.
If a leader is going to create a cohesive culture - they will have to face conflict. Some team members will need to be confronted for attitudes detrimental to the progress of the team.
If a leader is going to make the right decision to help the organization navigate an uncertain future - they will have to face conflict. Some team members will disagree with the decisions and will argue with the leader.
Wherever the geographical location. Whatever the domain - whether business, athletics, education, or family. Regardless of the personalities involved. Conflict will bombard the leader of an organization. Conflict will pound on the leader’s door. It will fill their email inbox with issue after issue. Conflict will leave too many voicemails to return. A leader will face conflict. You can count on it.
It is for this reason a leader must develop not only the tactical strategy for navigating conflict - but most importantly the wisdom to know what conflict to engage in. There is a profound difference in strategy and wisdom. Strategy is knowing HOW to fight. Wisdom is knowing WHEN to fight.
For the wise leader - wisdom internally screams the following questions:
“Are these issues or people I am willing to exhaust energy on?”
“Is this a hill I am willing to die on?”
Learning the wisdom of conflict management is an entirely different endeavor than the strategies of conflict. Everyone has strategies for conflict - a tone of voice, a quisical comment, add in a sarcastic murmur and any leader will be able to hold their own in conflict. Some people get loud. Others shut down. Some go for the throat with death words. Some take every comment to heart and are crushed emotionally after a conflict.
When developing the wisdom of when and how to engage in conflict there is no better example than Jesus. Even while introducing an entirely new way of life to the world, a way of life so full of internal peace and rest - Jesus was often in the middle of conflict. Throughout the story of his life Jesus was regularly in conflict with the religious elite. The religious people who didn’t really like what he had to say about God and how to have a relationship with God.
In the book of Matthew we see Jesus in three scenes of conflict with the religious elite providing us three responses to conflict each varying in degree of intensity. (Each chapter is worth reading in full)
Scene #1 (Matthew chapter 21)
12-14 Jesus went straight to the Temple and threw out everyone who had set up shop, buying and selling. He kicked over the tables of loan sharks and the stalls of dove merchants. He quoted this text:
My house was designated a house of prayer;
You have made it a hangout for thieves.
Scene #2 (Matthew 23)
13 “I’ve had it with you! You’re hopeless, you religion scholars, you Pharisees! Frauds! Your lives are roadblocks to God’s kingdom. You refuse to enter, and won’t let anyone else in either.
15 “You’re hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You go halfway around the world to make a convert, but once you get him you make him into a replica of yourselves, double-damned.
33-34 “Snakes! Reptilian sneaks! Do you think you can worm your way out of this? Never have to pay the piper? It’s on account of people like you that I send prophets and wise guides and scholars generation after generation—and generation after generation you treat them like dirt, greeting them with lynch mobs, hounding them with abuse.
Scene #3 (Matthew 27)
20 Meanwhile, the high priests and religious leaders had talked the crowd into asking for the pardon of Barabbas and the execution of Jesus.
21 The governor asked, “Which of the two do you want me to pardon?”
They said, “Barabbas!”
22 “Then what do I do with Jesus, the so-called Christ?”
They all shouted, “Nail him to a cross!”
23 He objected, “But for what crime?”
But they yelled all the louder, “Nail him to a cross!”
24 When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere and that a riot was imminent, he took a basin of water and washed his hands in full sight of the crowd, saying, “I’m washing my hands of responsibility for this man’s death. From now on, it’s in your hands. You’re judge and jury.”
25 The crowd answered, “We’ll take the blame, we and our children after us.”
26 Then he pardoned Barabbas. But he had Jesus whipped, and then handed over for crucifixion.
Straight from the book of Matthew we see three varying responses to conflict from Jesus. Each response is very different from the others in degree of intensity.
Scene #1
The first response is conflict unhinged. Jesus flying off the handle. Kicking over tables, kicking people out of the temple. He’s seething with frustration. This is the extreme response to conflict. It’s worth mentioning that this is the only story in the Bible in which Jesus behaves this way. There is no other record of him entering a room looking to flip a table, looking to toss some dove cages. No other account of him kicking people out of the temple. In this response to conflict, emotions get so charged that a leader just acts. Passion and emotion take over. While this is the only record of Jesus behaving this way - it is important to establish he was capable of this type of response to conflict. A leader must possess the ability to “go to deep waters” if need be.
Scene #2
The second response, no doubt is a result of arguing with the religious people in a certain type of argument. The type of arguments where you leave and spend the rest of the night thinking of what you wished you would have said or what you will most definitely say “next time” you argue with that person. Jesus lets these people have it. He calls them: Hypocrites, frauds, hopeless, arrogant, desolate, dead on the inside, snakes. He says more than a few offensive comments to the religious elite. In this response to conflict, verbal interaction reigns supreme. This is giving someone “a piece of your mind.” After these words were said, there is no other record of Jesus ever engaging in an argument with the religious elite again. It’s almost as if he got everything off his chest and moved on. After years of these guys slithering around Jesus hoping to catch him in a lie or some inconsistency, Jesus ends the dialogue and never is recorded to say another word to them.
Scene #3
As the very people he was in conflict with stand off to the side - Jesus stands in chains watching as the fate of his life hangs in the balance. Interestingly, the scene in which it would have made the most sense to flip a table, or go on a verbal rant of defense would have been the final scene. Yet, instead of doing either of these things - Jesus was silent. Not a word. The King who could have altered the scene in an instant - remained completely mute. He did not defend himself, he did not argue. He did not flex any of the authority he had been given. As a crowd calls for the murderer, Barabbas to be released instead of Jesus - an innocent man. Jesus doesn’t make a sound.
He flipped a table over a few shekels in the temple - but didn’t say a word when a murderer was granted freedom while he was sent to be murdered himself. Not one retaliation. Not one argument. Not one defense of who he was and what he had done. Complete silence from Jesus.
If we look close enough we can see the secret wisdom of conflict management. If the conflict is going to get in the way of what is MOST important, if getting tangled in this conflict will interrupt the greater purpose of your leadership - just say nothing. Sometimes silence is the most powerful conflict tool we have.
I am not smart enough to know the theology behind why Jesus reacted so strongly in one conflict while responding completely the opposite when the stakes were the highest. I don’t know the text in the Greek or in Hebrew to understand the theological implications of these three scenes. But, I do find it interesting that all three scenes decreased in intensity as Jesus was closer to going to the cross. I do find it interesting that all three scenes went in chronological order. It’s as if when the larger purpose came into clearer focus, Jesus reallocated his energy.
In the latter days of his life, I can’t help but imagine wisdom was internally screaming:
“Are these issues or people I am willing to exhaust energy on?”
“Nope”
“Is this a hill I am willing to die on?”
“Yep”
Stay The Course,
JB
Book of the week: The Making Of A Leader by Dr. J. Robert Clinton
Podcast episode of the week: The Flying Coach Podcast Premiere - Pete Carroll & Steve Kerr
Article of the week: Mike Matheny: Servant Leaders Know How To Play Ball - Forbes (2015)